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The brave man, delivering such news
Yet I receive it with relief
That the pain is not a never ending journey
That there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Not that there is any promise
Inherent with the words “less than six months”
They are an estimate based on experience
And, I know better than most
That I have been an enigma
Thwarting the normal course of events
In the end, it is God who has the last say.
In the meantime
I breath.
I embrace the moment
Wondering who I should tell
Or is the greater gift in not knowing?
My darling man
So pragmatic
He has his walls ready
In place.
Having journeyed so closely
Knows that nothing is truly known
And tomorrow remains the greatest mystery
As does the next minute.
For me?
Yes relief.
Also, reservation, having been here before.
Does it change anything?
Maybe improved support from the medical people
Or not.
Neither am I sure what that looks like.
I prefer the quieter role of my GP
The lack of fuss and worry
having to deal with nurses who have no idea.
Unaccustomed to younger people
Needing their services
Designed for the elderly.
“Your man in Sydney” is how they refer to him
Not taking two minutes to check out his credentials.
A recognised expert in a cancer that they know so little about
Or so it seems
Treating it so lightly.
Yet, what a gift his email brings me
Solace
The gentle entry into
Replied
I recognise that I have always been an agent of change. Driving improvements, driving myself, to be better, more effective, more efficient. To keep moving, exploring new activities, new challenges, to make better. Novelty, innovation. Change. The one constant of life. Change.
Now, change is not. My days, my moments, relentless in their sameness. Accepting means that, that I am stuck in this sameness.
I have surrendered. Over and over and over and over again. I have gracefully accepted.
And returned to this moment. To revisit the moment, the unchanging moment except for more pain, or none, or different pain. Different suffering, same suffering. The fundamental tenant of life is constant change. And I am experiencing the opposite. Sameness fills my moments.
Boredom and despair play together. My constant companions. The only change is which dominates, in this moment. And this.
Returning to this moment, to accept the unacceptable. Relentlessness of sameness.
My spiritual guide says I am not to know. To relinquish all knowing. That means not knowing how to improve my situation, to know what to do, how to do it, to do better. What then? I ask “who am I?, who am I now?”
To hand it over – what the hell does that mean? Hand it over to who/what??? To create a vacuum with the fear that that is all there is? Human suffering, my suffering. At least provide something, some guidance, some support, some help.
Yes, it is psychological suffering. As well as physical. I miss being happy. I miss caring. I miss having and making sunshine in my days. Something to look forward to, something to be excited about. When dying is the most exciting thing I can now think of, I dream of what it will be like, the relief. The solace, the peace and finality. The ultimate gift of letting go.
How much ego in the form of judgement dictates my perspective
Even “Nature is cruel” referring to the natural order of predator and lesser
It is all simply Is
As the form declines, I find myself, correspondingly, increasingly disassociating from it. My spiritual guide said this would occur. For example, I love Michael and Marli and Lisa and Victoria and many others – loving them more than ever. Engaging and seeing the essence of who/what they truly are.
Another is nature. I love what I see, the amazing display of life and colour and simple glory that the sky, of the clouds. Yet there is a distancing, a seeing Beyond that is increasing.
Yet, now, further down the path, I get my spiritual guides more recent comment that I am the form – it is part of Awareness. It all is.
For Awareness to experience, form occurs. All sorts of living forms. The opportunity to feel and sense and have fun – joy. Requires a form. The more sophisticated the form, the greater the range of experiences. Each form is as it is.
Judgement comes from the separated-self perspective.
All encompassing comes from Awareness.
To paraphrase the Dalai Lama: Pain Is – suffering is optional.
Pain
The pain dominates me.
Possess me. I lose myself to the pain.
We are one, I allow then accept and witness it.
I breathe into it. I breathe again, closing my eyes to watch the pain.
It owns me.
Pain
We are one. You and I.
Sometimes that is all that exists.
Physical pain.
Mental pain.
Then sometimes, you fade into the background
And I can prepare
for the next moment, and moments
The next day
That relentlessly roll on.
Or energy enough to share in an activity
or two
With Michael.
I am guided and supported
By my spiritual beliefs
Uplifted by them
Fortified by them
At peace with them.
Other times
I am very human
I feel myself lost
To the ineptitude of being
Alive
Unmapped territory
No atlas
Or directions
Sign posts missing
No google maps
Nothing to show me the way
Anyway.
Lost yet not anywhere
To be lost.
And being lost
Means living not Now
Lost relates to direction
Purpose
Not this moment.
How do I stay only in this moment?
We – I – am programmed to plan
To think about tomorrow
The next minute, the next action
Yet there is only ever
Now.
Hello Now.
Nice to meet you.
Can I stay please?
Can I stay in Now?
I have discovered
That there is no where
That I need to Be
So here, now
is just the right spot
If only it always felt that way.
That’s still to come.
Yet even in that comment
It speaks of the future
How then can Now be all
That I dwell?
Yet, the irony
There is no where else
For us to be.
Pain
Four letters
P A I N
So little with need to convey
So much.
Pain
Encompasses me
Invades me
Not a rewarding pain
From good physical work
No. Pain
From disease
The invader
Quietly, loudly
Slowly, fast
Deep, penetrating
Surface, spread.
Pain
Cancer replacing this body
The new owner
Renovating
Ripping down walls
Growing new ones.
Pain
I scream
I cry out
I whimper
I weep.
Grief carves a place in the heart
And sits there forever
Yet when focused
It can be a powerful motivator.
Sadness becomes resolve
And pain becomes action…
Know that I will be around. Know that I’ll be watching and caring, listening and supporting. Know that I was and am happy. Fern x